Tuesday, May 3, 2011

So I'm Thinking...

Anyone who knows me well know that whatever is about to follow that statement is a disaster waiting to happen.  Not so much things like, “So I’m thinking, since the oven is on fire we should do something about it.”  Those are good thoughts.  Or, “So I’m thinking, since Ann Taylor Loft is having a 95% off EVERYTHING sale we should leave work early and GO!”  Those are GREAT thoughts. 
The thoughts that I’m talking about are the ones that rip into my self esteem, threaten to destroy my relationships, and rob my hope.  These are thoughts that cause me to question what I know is true.  They make me act in a manner I’m not often proud of and they are nearly always, ALWAYS false.
And more often than not, they end up hurting whomever it is I’m having those “thoughts” about.  I’m not saying I have some random thought about someone and then proceed to run around telling others what I’m convinced is true, rather I have the thought, I’m convinced it’s true and to cut to the chase, I destroy a relationship – or at least come close to destroying it.
So I’m thinking this is NOT a good way to live.  (Another example of a GOOD thought).  What I don’t know, is how to NOT do it, how to NOT have those thoughts, or if I do, how to not REACT to those thoughts, believe they are true, plot my course of action based on those thoughts.
Prayer is the obvious answer.  Lots and lots of prayer.  For me, though, I need to go deeper, I need to figure out why I do this and I really, honestly and truly, want to stop.  Or at least figure out a much better way to deal with these thoughts. 
I don’t have any answers right now.  But I’m starting to unpack these thoughts and slowly organize them.  I honestly welcome any advice or thoughts about how to go about this.  I’ve already been told it’s a life-long, never-ending battle (yeah…) but I’m convinced something’s gotta be better than living like this.