Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Dear Ma

Cecelia H. Wassam
November 20, 1927
December 9, 2000

I purchased this journal on December 23th, 2000.  It was a mere 14 days after my ma had died.  My brother and I had gone to Barnes and Noble in some insane attempt to try to get into the Christmas spirit.  It didn't exactly work. 

I decided there were some things I wanted... no needed to say to my ma that I didn't get to say before she died.  Things that were keeping me up at night and causing the pain and the heartache of those first few hours after I got the phone call that she had died to remain raw.

My idea was simple.  Each year on the anniversary of her death, Christmas morning and New Year's Day, I would write my ma a letter.  I would tell her everything I wished I had been able to tell her throughout the year.  Tell her how much I miss her.  Tell her how I long to see her again.  Then I would pack the journal away with all my Christmas decorations until the following year. 

I also added one thing that I do every December 9 - I read though the first few entries I wrote.  Without fail, even before I finish the first line, I'm bawling like a baby.  But it's a letter to my ma.  Written on my first Christmas morning without her.  And daggum I missed her so.

Today is the 9th anniversary of my ma's death.  I still miss her so much it hurts.  I still long for one last hug and kiss from her like you can't even imagine (or maybe some of you can - know that I totally feel your pain).  I can still, just barely, hear her calling my name like she did when I was 8 playing over at the Knecht's.  I fear that someday I will forget what her voice sounded like.

In a little bit I'm going to open up that journal for the first time this season.  I've got a roll of toilet paper nearby (I ran out of Kleenex!!), my cat curled up right next to me, and Lucy sleeping soundly on her bed in the corner.  I guess I'm ready...

Dear Ma...

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