4 days ago
Monday, September 21, 2009
Since I knew I didn't have the most IDEAL family situation, I didn't want to admit, or think, or believe that whatever I felt about God or about how God loved me had anything to do with growing up Wassam. Turns out, I think maybe it did (catch that - I'm STILL not totally admitting it, am I?).
In case the 5 folks who read this don't know (yup - I've grown from 3 to 5!) my parents divorced when I was 3. My dad tried for a few years to be a dad, but eventually gave up. I don't doubt for one moment that my dad loved me (and never have). He pretty much only came into my life when he had money to pay some child support (meaning he hadn't gambled it all away) and when he was sober. I could go for years without hearing from my dad.
I knew my daddy loved me, but TRUST was what was missing. I learned to not ask my dad for anything - not because he didn't want to get it for me, he really did - he just couldn't, or as I sometimes thought, he just didn't hear me. When I'd call my daddy and ask him to come see me or whatever, most often he was either too broke or too drunk.
Turns out, I view God much the same way. It has taken me a very long time to admit that. Slowly I am trying to change my thoughts that God isn't listening to me because He can't or doesn't want to. I am trying desperately to grasp the concept that God my Father ALWAYS listens, ALWAYS hears, and ALWAYS answers.
God is never too anything to not hear me. God isn't ignoring me. God isn't avoiding answering my prayers.
God isn't my daddy, He's my Father.
My earthly daddy loved me as best he could, being the sinful, human that he was. Near the end of his life, he got to know my Father in a sweet, wonderful way. My daddy walked away from the things that came between he and me, and walked toward a relationship with the One who loved me the way he never could.
My heavenly Father loves me in ways that I will never, ever fully comprehend and in ways that I'm just now starting to understand. He is never too anything not to listen to me. His silence (which I talked about here) has everything to with His CRAZY love for me. My response to Him is to trust.
Even the silences.