There are about a million terrible, disgusting and scary things I’d rather do than disappoint someone. You can hate me, be mad at me and even talk ill of me, but please, PLEASE don’t be disappointed in me. I will, at all personal cost, do just about anything to not disappoint you. And if you say those five horrible words, “I’m so disappointed in you” I promise you, I will cry. Big crocodile tears.
Today I had to do something that I knew was going to disappoint someone. The chicken way out would have been to email, or worse yet, text them (well I guess the WORST would have been to write something on their Facebook page). But I value that person and our friendship WAY too much to be a coward. So I knew in my heart that my only option was to call them (face-to-face wasn’t an option).
I’ve known since about 11 last night that I had to make this call. Needless to say, I slept for about a grand total of 3 hours worrying and fretting over this conversation. So rather than make myself sick the entire day, I called this friend at a reasonable hour and all but blurted it out before even asking how they were doing. I found myself nearly in tears, stumbling over my words, trying to explain why I was doing what I was doing.
I’m telling ya, it’s TOUGH being me some days!
This friend was BEYOND gracious. Completely understood. Totally supportive of my decision. And without hesitation forgave me.
But here’s where I landed with all this a little while later… I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that I disappoint God on a daily, no make that moment-by-moment basis. I know that this morning when I chose to run to Food Lion before work (Diet Cokes = 4 for .85 each until tomorrow) instead of spending time with Him, TERRIBLY disappointed Him. And there are a myriad of other things I’ve done since 5:30 AM that have disappointed Him, BUT do I feel the same remorse, regret or anxiousness over telling Him or confessing to Him what I’ve done as I did when I called my friend this morning?
Why? Part of it is because I know that God forgives me and loves me in spite of me. I know that NOTHING I will ever do (with the exception of denouncing Him as Savior and Lord) will EVER change that. What it all boils down to is that I take my relationship with Him for granted. The absolute most important relationship I will ever have, and here I go running around like whatever I say and do just doesn’t matter.
But it does.
God doesn’t just want me running to Him with my needs and wants, but He also wants me to be honest and real with Him and yes, tell Him what He knows I’ve already done, ask for forgiveness and be done with it. Move on. Accept that forgiveness and rejoice in it.
And on days like today, get over being me.
3 days ago